06 Mar 2012

Syosset Lock Shop– the parable of the 7 circles

4 Comments Featured, local advertising
Remember how Dante, in his Divine Comedy, had the nine circles of hell? Well, locksmiths have those too. Not nine, only seven, but surely you get the point. There are seven incredibly ludicrous ways to get locked out of your house, and, like Dante, we will discuss them in ascending order (skipping a couple, because like I said, seven is easier than nine).
Circle #1: Limbo. Limbo is an easy circle to get caught in. heck, even Radiohead has a song about it! Limbo is simply when you’re between places and lock yourself out. Example: You’re jumping into the car, drive off, halfway down the street you forgot something, you drive back, and you lock your key inside as you slam the door. Not pleasant, but hey, we’ve seen worse.
Circle #2: Lust. Believe me; locksmiths see this one all the time. Really, it’s quite simple. Hormones rage, you stumble out the door after your lover, and your keys are still on the countertop, or worse, the countertop of that person you were never planning on seeing again. Welcome to circle #2, friend, you are now officially locked out of your castle.
Circle #3: Gluttony. Again, this circle is a basic need. I mean, who hasn’t had that gluttonous feeling hit them at 1am and driven down to the local Taco Bell, bought enough food to feed a Laotian village, and returned home only to realize: Shoot. I was so obsessed by the thought of food that I forgot to NOT LOCK MYSELF OUT! Your keys? Sitting in the gutter under the Taco Bell takeout window.
Circle #4: Anger. No, I’m not talking about Angry Birds. I’m talking white-knuckled, ready-to-punch-a-brick-wall boiling rage. And, speaking on behalf of the masses, how many of us HAVEN’T thrown our house key at someone/something in a fit of rage? Am I the only one that does that? Really? Let’s move on.
Circle #5: Violence. Similar to anger, you say? Not quite. I never said I actually hit my target while throwing my keys. And neither have you, most likely. Anger is not conducive to aim. But violence, now this is a whole new level. Those of you who lock themselves out of the house in an act of violence probably deserve to be locked out. And locked up.
Circle #6: Fraud. Now again, if you lock yourself out while committing an act of fraud, you’ve got bigger problems than getting back into your dwelling. But still, consider this: A man I once knew (who shall remain unnamed) used a house key to try and break into another house. Not as a tool, but rather trying to convince the landlord his key SHOULD open this door, it really should! In the end he lost his key…and his freedom. Pretty ludicrous.
Circle #7: Treachery. If one gets to the point of treachery (also Dante’s 9th and final circle of hell), their minds are so full of deceit and the like that house keys are low on the mental list. Very, very low. As in, non-existing. It’s simply ridiculous to get locked out if you have nothing but treachery on your mind…simple as that.
Now, cries the reader, how do I escape? How might I avoid becoming one of the inhabitants of the seven circles of stupidity? Fortunately, a local locksmith is there to help. Syosset Lock Shop has been part of the community for over 40 years, and no matter what circle of stupidity you may have fallen into, they will rescue you and reunite you with the inside of your house!
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written by
Dennis Yu is the Chief Technology Officer of Portage. He is an internationally recognized lecturer in Facebook marketing, having been featured in The Wall Street Journal, New York Times, LA Times, National Public Radio, TechCrunch, Fox News, and CBS Evening News. He is also an author at InsideFacebook and AllFacebook. Dennis has held leadership positions at Yahoo! and American Airlines. He studied Finance and Economics from Southern Methodist University and London School of Economics. Besides being a Facebook data and ad geek, you can find him eating chicken wings or playing Ultimate Frisbee in a city near you. You can contact him at dennis@portage.co, his blog, or on Facebook.
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4 Responses to “Syosset Lock Shop– the parable of the 7 circles”

  1. Reply Stuart Barker says:

    I got locked out of my car today…. i stupidly put my keys down in the boot and then shut the door. As soon as i heard the click of the door i knew what i had done! The car mechanic came and took 1 minute to open the car. Used what looked like a door wedge and a coat hanger. Will defiantly be making extra sets of keys from now on! very very STUPID!

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